- Polyamory is a relationship model in which a person has more than one romantic partner.
- INSIDER talked with Sophie Lucido Johnson, a polyamorous woman who recently published a book, "Many Love," about her experiences with polyamory.
- Here, she explains what everyone gets wrong about being polyamorous.
By now, you've probably heard the term polyamory. And although you probably understand the gist of polyamory — which, through its name alone, can be understood to refer to a relationship model in which a person has multiple romantic partners — you might not be quite sure what it entails.
To set the record straight on polyamory, INSIDER talked with Sophie Lucido Johnson, a writer and illustrator who lives in Chicago. She has a few partners — a fiancé, a girlfriend, and a long-distance boyfriend — and she recently published a memoir, "Many Love," about her experiences as a polyamorous woman.
Here's what she says everyone gets wrong about polyamory.
MYTH: Being poly is the same as being in an open relationship.
More often than not, polyamory and open relationships are thought to be synonymous. And though they have many things in common, they aren't quite the same.
Polyamory generally refers to being romantically and emotionally involved with more than one person. An open relationship usually means that someone might have sex outside their relationship, but it probably doesn't go any farther than that.
In short, all polyamorous relationships are technically open, but not all open relationships should be considered polyamorous.
Part of the confusion comes from the narrow representation of either one in popular culture.
"If you see open relationship models on television, it's always a heterosexual, usually white couple who after years of being monogamous decides to open up their relationship, and it's done in a 'hall pass' kind of capacity," Johnson told INSIDER. "That is just not the only way that this relationship structure can work. I don't even think that it's the healthiest way the relationship structure works."
In real life, polyamory is much more inclusive.
"There are asexual people who engage in polyamory, communal living can be a kind of polyamory, and queer people often explore the polyamory model in different ways," Johnson told INSIDER. "Polyamory to me is mostly about how much you're willing to communicate and how much you're willing to embrace the inevitable changes that come from this relationship. It's too bad that quite a bit of the representation we see is something like, 'man wants to sleep with other women.' That's just not all there is to it."
MYTH: People who practice polyamory never get jealous.
It can be easy to assume that because people in poly relationships pursue multiple people, it means they don't feel jealousy at all. But in Johnson's experience, polyamorous people simply approach jealousy in a different way.
"I think in a lot of monogamous relationship structures, the strategy is to go around jealousy. In polyamory, the strategy is to go through it," Johnson told INSIDER. "So if you start to feel jealous in a monogamous relationship, you might do a lot of rationalizing, and if you're the person causing the jealousy, you might be kind of defensive. You're trying to keep the person from feeling jealous. In polyamory, you're saying, 'I understand why you're feeling this way, and maybe there's some truth to it.'"
This isn't necessarily easy to do, Johnson said, but it gets easier over time.
"There's an initial jolt, and that feels really bad the first few times you go through it, but then it stops feeling bad. Jealousy has become way less of an issue for me than it once was," Johnson told INSIDER. "It's like going to the gym and getting good at doing push-ups. It's no longer something that's so painful that you can't understand why anyone would go through it."
MYTH: Becoming poly can help your relationship if it's on the rocks.
If you've hit a rough patch in a relationship that you really want to work, it can be tempting to think about opening it up or using polyamory as a way to try to fix things. But it's rare for this to actually work, as a desire to be polyamorous should come from within. Otherwise, adding more people into the mix will just serve to complicate things further.
"I understand why people would think that opening up your relationship is something you think you could do to fix it," Johnson told INSIDER. "And I'm sure there are instances where people have done that and it has worked. But in general, that's just a death sentence for your relationship. And if someone doesn't want to be polyamorous, and you do, that's a mismatch. You probably aren't going to be in that relationship long term."
MYTH: Polyamory is all about sex.
It's tempting to focus on the most outrageous aspects of any concept, and polyamory is no exception. When you hear about someone having more than one partner, it can be easy to assume that the main purpose of the relationship model is to have lots of sex.
Sex is obviously a factor in polyamory — about as much as it would be in many other relationship — but that's not all there is to it. For Johnson, it's more about making and keeping strong connections, whether they stay romantic or not.
"A wonderful thing happened yesterday, a friend of mine who I dated for a few years, he and his wife flew in for a visit and surprised me," Johnson told INSIDER. "It was a really good poly moment. It was like, 'Oh my god, we used to have sex, and now we don't, and it's great.'"
Johnson works hard to maintain these relationships. She and her fiancé hang out with her girlfriend and her boyfriend fairly regularly, and Johnson makes sure to carve out time to talk on the phone with her long-distance boyfriend, who lives in New Orleans, every Monday.
This takes some effort, but for Johnson, it's well worth it.
"I'm so grateful for all my many loves. I feel utterly grateful that I have all these incredible people in my life who are so willing to be honest with me," Johnson told INSIDER. "It's more work at the beginning, but it's like anything else, when you have a habit it becomes easier."
MYTH: Polyamory is an unnatural relationship model.
The idea of a polyamorous relationship may seem mildly scandalous to anyone who grew up watching fairy tales and romantic comedies and, as a result, became accustomed to the idea of having one true love for the rest of your life. But in the future, non-monogamy — in any form — may become more common.
"I'm a high school teacher, and none of my students are in monogamous relationships," Johnson told INSIDER. "The idea that a book like mine could be controversial is totally over their heads. To them, it's incredibly vanilla."
Johnson suggested that people are gravitating toward a system of "relationship anarchy," which essentially means defining your relationships on your own terms, not by the terms that have been laid out by societal constructs. This makes pursuing many "unconventional" relationship models, including polyamory, much easier.
There is some data to back this up. According to a 2015 Gallup poll, 16% of Americans viewed the concept of a married person having more than one partner as "acceptable." This, compared to a 7% acceptability rating in 2001, showed a 9% increase over time.
As polyamory becomes more accepted, it's worth educating yourself on the lifestyle.
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